COMIC: A Horoscope for the Incurably Pessimistic

12 Aug 2006 // books

Aries. You will feel very insecure. You will want to read a horoscope to bolster your ebbing self-confidence. Unfortunately, the horoscope reading will provide no useful advice whatsoever. If you do not read your horoscope you will suffer horrible stomach cramps and splitting headaches. If you do read your horoscope, you will suffer splittling cramps and stomach headaches.

Taurus. You may find that you will start to crave the flesh of dead animals. The beautiful odour of burning flesh will truly bring out the animal in you. As you look into your reflection in the mirror you will think of how much fun it is to gouge and scrape away the flesh of the vanquished beast and stuff the steaming flesh into your mouth as the taste of blood flows down your esophagus.

Gemini. During this week, it is expected that you will be contacted by a long lost twin sibling that you never knew you had. The story will be along the lines of an accident in the hospital and how lonely it was to live a life as a foster child and how he/she/it had to imagine what it was like to live in a real family. Mercury, the sign of the Trickster is in your astral house, so it is most likely that this person is not telling you the complete truth. He will consequently try to sell you Amway products or steak knives depending on which socio-economic group you live in.

Cancer. You have contracted an incurable disease. Have fun in chemotherapy.

Leo. You're so tough, you're so strong. You shave your head, you cut tatoos. You growl and threaten. Yet secretly deep down inside, you know that nobody respects you.

Virgo. During this period, you will undergo a desire to scar or deface anything that looks wholesome and unbroken. Balloons are a definite temptation. To avoid any serious repercussions during this difficult time, keep away from needles, knives, chainsaws and thermonuclear devices.

Libra. Free yourself from the evil bonds of the patriarchy. It is time to vanquish the evil snake (Adam) which has wrought bitterness and bile for aeons untold. You must smash without compunction anything that breathes the cursed name of Adam. Exalt the name Eve for Eve is the supreme life form. You will triumph. P.S. Please disregard this if you happen to be a seed of Adam.

Scorpio. Beware of poison. Do not eat anything.

Sagittarius. You will find that it is high time to come out of your shell. You will probably go to the hair dressers and shave your hair off. But experimental cd's, break up with your parter, insert metal pieces into your body, and watch twin-peaks.

Capricorn. You will laugh. You will cry. You will eat. You will shit. You will sleep perchance to dream. You will do all this, simultaneosuly at the same time.

Aquarius. Due to the nature of random occurence, it appears likely that everyone born under Aquarius will win the jackpot in the lottery. Everyone will be simultaneously fabously wealthy. Since it is pointless that everyone be rich at the same time, your prize money will be revoked by law.

Pisces. You will be pregnant. Even if you a male.